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Drew starts laughing. Loud, gut busting laughs.
 Oh my God! You totally had me going there for a minute, Drew tells her between laughs.  I
really thought G-man was going to be in trouble.
The other mothers must have heard the commotion and walk over to join our small group.
 I should have known you wouldn t do anything about it. I mean, it s obvious you don t know
the first thing about being a good parent. The parenting skills you have shown are appalling. Letting
your child run amok, talking like a veteran trucker or a sailor. Real people do not talk this way to
each other. The amount of times I ve heard the word v-a-g-i-n-a alone is shocking. If this whole
display was a story I was reading, it would be a disappointing  did not finish for me.
Oh no she DIDN T!
I stand there for a few minutes with my mouth hanging open in shock while the other Stepford
mothers get on the  you re a shitty parent bandwagon and nod their agreements. These women are
real pieces of work. I mean, I would totally talk about you behind your back, but I d never be that
mean and bitchy to your face or say something to hurt your feelings.
Until now.
You bitches messed with the wrong pregnant woman.
 Oh, I m sorry. I didn t realize you cornered the market on perfect parenting. Isn t that your
son sitting on the floor over there eating his boogers and naming his farts? Real genius you ve got on
your hands there. And you, I say, turning to one of the other ones.  Your kid told me when he got
here that he wasn t allowed to eat processed sugar, white flower, red dye number five, or watch
Spongebob because it was too violent. Isn t he the one sitting on the chair by the door rocking back
and forth chanting  I hate humans ? My child may be mouthy, and he may say inappropriate things
from time to time, but I am a damn good mother. I just found out today my son scored higher on his
kindergarten testing than all of your little fuckwits put together. He may watch Spongebob, he may eat
sugar, and he may pick up on phrases the adults around him say, but I can guarantee you that when
he s older, you won t find a human head in his freezer like little Johnny over there who s been
banging his head against the glass for an hour because he s in shock from having a piece of cake for
the first time in his life. And for your information, real people do actually talk like this. Really cool
people who have awesome friends don t have giant sticks up their asses like you obviously do.
Carter leans close to my ear.  Gavin scored that well on his testing?
 I know, total shocker for me too. He obviously doesn t get his brains from us, I whisper to
him.
I turned back and realized all of the women have dispersed from our fun little pow-pow,
grabbed their kids, and scurried out the door without another word.
 Oh and by the way, we should probably look into some new preschools, I state.
21. I Swallowed a Penny!
 What do you mean you aren t going to do it? Liz screeches.  Carter, we ve been planning
this for weeks. You HAVE to do it.
Liz and I are in the kitchen of the shop doing dishes while Claire is out front with everyone else
taking down decorations.
I know Liz means well, but I just can t do what she wants me to.
 Liz, this just doesn t feel right. It was a great idea before she got pregnant, but I just can t do
this now. Claire hasn t been herself since she found out she was pregnant. No matter how many
times I try and tell her that everything will be fine, I don t think she believes me. If you hadn t told
me what you did about her being afraid I didn t want to marry her, I would have thought she was
cheating on me, I say.
 Um, dude. She s got your sperm inside of her. That would be gross. And if you were so
worried, why the hell haven t you proposed yet? Liz questions.
 Because you told me you d cut off my dick if I did! I argue.
 Okay, that may have been a little extreme. But I knew she would think you were doing it just
because she was pregnant. I figured if you waited a while and I kept telling her she was an idiot,
everything would work out and you could propose without her thinking bad things.
I sigh and crossed her arms in front of me.  I can t wait any longer, Liz. I know we planned on
me doing this next month on the anniversary of when we first met, but I can t put this off one more
day. There is this huge wedge between us right now and I have a feeling it s all because of this. I
should have just said something to her months ago. To hell with the surprise.
 Fine. Have it your way. But I swear to God if you just walk up to her and hand her the ring, I
won t cut your dick off, I ll just cut one ball off. You ll be forever known as Uniball Carter, she
warns.
We stare at each other for a few minutes, her eyes narrowing with each second that passed.
 You don t have a plan, do you? she finally asks.
I should tell her to move away from the knives.
 Um, not exactly. I mean, I know what I want to say. I just don t have all of the details yet, I
admit.
 Well, I d help you, but I kind of want to punch you in the face. You re on your own with this
one, she tells me, throwing the towel she dried the dishes with onto the counter.  Now I m going to
have to tell everyone that the plan is off. It was the one time I was looking forward to wearing a shirt
that Drew picked out.
I feel bad that Liz has spent all this time helping me plan something amazing for Claire. At the
time, we had both agreed it would be awesome if our friends were there to see the proposal, and
Drew of course wanted everyone to wear matching shirts that Claire would see right after I
proposed. They were pretty great shirts and that is the one thing I will regret not doing, but I know
this is the right decision.
 So does that mean no Gavin either? she asks as she leans her hip against the counter.
 No, no Gavin. As cute as it would be for him to be the one to hand her the ring, I need to do
this by myself. It was just the two of us the day I met her, and I want it to be just the two of us when I
ask her to spend the rest of her life with me, I explain.
Liz let out a great big sigh and finally concedes.
 Alright, I get it. Your ball is safe from my wrath. But just so you know, I m going to hold this
against you for a long time, she tells me with a pat on my back. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]